Find ways to handle grief during the holidays, from family gatherings and changing traditions to holiday cards and starting a new year after a loss.
Holiday grief is real, and your family wants to know: are you coming to dinner? You may want to see your sister, but will you be able to look into that kitchen and see someone cooking in your mother’s place?
If you’re not sure, you can always let your family know. “I would love to come see you. Can I come by for dessert and let you know for sure that morning?” You can then see how you feel. Maybe you’ll want to stay for coffee.
Holiday grief can catch you off guard at any time
You could be at the store picking out some milk. You go to grab those peppermints your husband liked. Then you remember why you don’t buy them anymore. Everything was fine until that point. Now you just want to go home. Holiday reminders can be everywhere.
Others may not understand what you’re missing. If you recently went through a divorce, you may be excited about dinner but know that you’ll feel sad when your kids go to their father’s house. Maybe you miscarried, and this is the meal where you’d planned to tell your family you were pregnant. Your health may have declined, and you aren’t able to cook like you used to.
Think about what part of the day will be hardest, then make a plan for it. If it’s walking in by yourself, have your sister meet you on the front steps. If it’s going home afterward, arrange a phone call for when you get there so you can chat with someone for a bit.
Choose an activity to keep or change
Perhaps you have an idea of what you want to do for your first holiday without that person. You may crave your father’s pancakes but don’t want to stand at his stove. Ask your brother to make them, or go out for breakfast together and remind him how your father would eat the first pancake himself because it was burnt.
You may want to let your children know what activities you’d like to do as well. They may want to put up every ornament their grandmother gave them, or maybe they want to spend the day with a friend. Check in with each child before deciding on activities.
Dougy Center’s holiday planning worksheet could be helpful. Maybe your youngest just wants to hang one ornament, and after that, they’ll be content to let someone else do the rest.
What do you not want to talk about?
If you’re not speaking to your father, you can ask the person hosting, “Is my father going to be there? I want to know before I decide whether to come.”
Or you can ask someone to help you with awkward questions. Maybe you lost your baby and want to text your sister before you go to dinner. “If someone asks about us having babies, could you change the subject? It would mean a lot to me.”
If you lost your job, you can say, “I don’t want to talk about work at dinner today. How was your trip?” You can always say more later if you want to.
What if I laugh and feel bad?
Your niece does your dad’s impression of the neighbor. She sounds exactly like him, and you laugh. You feel bad that you enjoyed yourself when you miss him.
You laughed because she brought back a funny memory. You can say, “Oh, I forgot he did that. Thanks for remembering.” It’s nice to hear about him. You just wish he were there to tell the story himself.
How can I support my friend who is grieving?
Give them an option that’s easy to answer yes or no to. “I’m going to dinner. Want me to come get you?” Maybe they want to drive themselves so they can leave early. If they say no, you can always ask another time.
Share a memory if you knew the person who passed away. “I was thinking of making June’s rolls today. She always let me have six to take home. I miss you all.” Let your friend decide if they want to say more.
Don’t forget about your friend after the holidays. Send them a message on a random Tuesday. “Going to get soup. Want me to drop some off for you?”
When to get professional support
You can reach out to a mental health professional or your doctor if you’re having difficulty with daily life. You can also reach out before the holiday season if you think you’ll need extra help.
“I’ve been having difficulty with daily life since the death of my ___. I’d like to speak with someone about getting through the holiday season.” If making that call seems daunting, you can ask someone you trust to sit with you while you call.
Shebna N. Osanmoh I, PMHNP-BC is a psychiatric-mental health nurse practitioner with over 9 years of clinical experience. He specializes in the treatment of anxiety, depression, ADHD, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. He practices at Savant Care serving patients in California and Texas via telehealth.
Dr. Ellen A. Machikawa, MD reviewed this article for clinical and regulatory accuracy.